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Page: << Prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | Next >> The experts note that children tend to be most anguished in the final days of their parent's life, rather than after the actual death.
That can be tough on children, because advances in medicine mean that a parent's "final days" can now stretch to weeks, months or longer. This reality introduces a whole new set of challenges for families facing bereavement.
Experts encourage "open communication" with children between the ages of 3 and 5, but stress that this doesn't mean full expression of intense grief in front of the child. One 3-year-old was fearful of going into her father's hospital room because her parents tended to cry together. So, a social worker helped structure the visits and also helped the parents control their emotions so the child could have more pleasurable visits.
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Kids aged 6 to 8 were more likely to have "anticipatory anxiety" rather than the anticipatory grief more common to adolescents and adults. They sensed something was going to happen and worried that the family would not survive it. One 8-year-old boy with a terminally ill father worried that his grandparents and mother would also die and that "the whole word would end, and nothing would be there."
This age group also benefited from pre-planned hospital visits and described the importance of a final hug, squeeze of the arm and affirmation of love, perhaps even more than a final good-bye. One 7-year-old put herself to sleep for months with the memory of her mother squeezing her hands before she died.
After the parent's death, children in this age group tended to swing between regular activity and grief. "Kids grieve and approach anticipatory or post-death grieving very intermittently and allowing for that kind of 'I'm going to play with my friends' is really healthy, appropriate and to be expected," Metzler said. "Parents need to be flexible and relaxed about the fact that the child may one minute be crying and another wanting to turn on the television. That's necessary and fine. It's a break, a barrier, a safety zone for the kid."
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